Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Announcements: Death Of Yuki.

I am in Thailand now, a few days shy of my SRS. This is my 100th post ironically. And this may be my last. My husband had sent an e-mail requesting my operation to be cancelled. I do not know how to feel now. Should I laugh? Should I cry? I really feel like jumping in front of my bus here and just end it at the worse. Or I may just work here as a cheap showgirl, or return back to Malaysia and cut my hair. In any other case, my life would never be the same again. Never ever.

I just say I hope he can spare me something for my lawyer fees but a simple solution like asking me to move to a cheaper area is beyond him. Instead he feels ending my life is the best one. I have my plans. I got a job waiting for me end of September. I have made arrangements to settle my financial crisis. But all these is to no avail. Now I have to go back and say I cannot work. I probably would lose my car and room. And worse, I had lost my husband at once. And I lost me.

I do not think I can bring myself to face me in the mirror anymore. So I bid all of you, farewell. To everyone, thank you for sharing my journey all alond. Take care LGBTs, wherever you are.


Update 26/6/08:

The verdict for the SRS is a postponement. As after the grace I extended to my husband is met with a heart of stone, so is our marriage. He has hurt me by throwing every excuse and reason to end our relationship. Baseless accusations of abuse, cheating, and innability to 'afford' me has placed our relationship on the grave. Even if he changes his mind today and I proceed with the SRS, I must admit that my heart is left with no more love to give him for hurting me this way.

All my plans to give my husband the ultimate bitch on Christmas eve period seems like a foolish girl's child's play now. Perhaps it is the immaturity of my imagination of wanting to fabricate such illusion that my husband would appreciate it. And with my SRS postponed, I must go back to the nightmare of starting back where I started before when I came out for good early 2006.

My fairy tale ending is gone. My prince charming will never rescue me and this transsexual female will never be secure and safe in female flesh. It is time to chart my own course of life.

I am also going to be selfish for once in my life, and dedicate a song for myself. Take care, Yuki.
It's The Lover (Not The Love) - Tiffany

He broke your heart and said goodbye
After promising forever
You wonder why you even tried
he was such a good pretender
The love you gave was all in vain
and nothing anyone can say
could ever make you love that way again
It's the lover not the love
who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
that didn't work out right

if you listen to your heart
ooh you'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
who deserted you

Don't stop reaching for the stars
Let tomorrow live inside you
And just remember who you are
Keep the faith and love will find you
A heart in love can lose it's true
but don't give up in time to find
the one who's right will come to you
It's the lover not the love
who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
that didn't work out right
if you listen to your heart
ooh you'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
who deserted you

It does no good to second guess
whether love is wrong or right
If it was really meant to be
he'd be with you tonight, tonight, oh yeah
It's the lover not the love
who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
that didn't work out right
if you listen to your heart
ooh you'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
who deserted you
ooh

9 comments:

Daniel said...

Didn't you say that the operation has been paid in full already? What happened?

Didn't you also say that if you postpone there are penalties which you cannot afford?

Odd...

CrackerLilo said...

Oh, *Yuki*. I don't even know what to say. Oh, my *Gods*. How could he cancel it for you? Did he have legal standing?

Yuki said...

No he do not have a legal standing. That is the least of my concern. It is the act of being anti-husband, of sending me to another country for surgery, then leaving me in a lurch 5 days before my operation, and have me stranded here and kick my life out.

I have taken a lot of blows in my life. This is one I cannot stand.

Yuki said...

The operation is cancelled officially. So I lost a husband and a SRS on the same day. I expect no one to understand. But I do know between Vivienne and Yuki, one must die. So I choose Vivienne, the stupid bitch who poured her heart out for her husband. Who spent endless hours fixing herself up so that her husband would love her. The package for the husband is gone. Yuki will always be the part of me. The Snowprincess must live on.

hOcmun said...

a love song sang by human is temporary and ______ (fill in the blank)

but a love song by God is eternal is ____ (fill in your own blank too)

God bless.

Gentle Lamb said...

Dear Yuki,

I am so sad to hear of your great loss of the one you so loved and cherished and the cancellation of your SRS surgery. May there be healing and restoration of your heart.

Out of death, surely will come something good if we put God first in our lives.

Your journey has blessed so many both in your journals and contribution to gay affirmative web sites. Continue on, run the race, and fight good fight and be a blessing perhaps those who you will not see and in their own closets.

May God bless you richly and keep you safe and sound.

Shalom,

Gentle Lamb
Singapore

Ephilei said...

I hope you continue posting. I enjoy reading your blog.

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