Monday, July 14, 2008


All the posts here will be maintained for future reference and reading.

Some will be reposted on Yuki's new blogsite (see link below).

Big thanks to all my friends and fans from all over the world.

For the fresh continuation of the journeys, please go to

Regards, Yuki Choe. : )

Friday, June 27, 2008

Announcement: I Guess The Love We Once Had Is Officially... DEAD.

(self explanatory)

Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not enstranged

I didn't lose my mind
It was mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away...

No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

I know from the outside
We looked good for each other
Felt things were going wrong when
You didn't like my mother

I don't want to hate
But that's all you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste
And a fantasy of how we all could live

No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only hurt
(We've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking
(You're far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(Return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you
I'd feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs, insane
The ones where we all laugh, so lame
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast

No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only hurt
Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

Everything I wanted to be
Every time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me
And everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant
You treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down
And think of you for a while
Then it passes me by
And I think of someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is officially

Comforting Song For A Girl Who Lost Her Love Like Me.

傷痕 (林憶蓮)
夜已深 還有什麼人
你若不肯說 我就不問


為情困 磨折了靈魂
該愛就愛 該恨的就恨


雖然愛是種責任 給要給得完整
有時愛 美在無法永恆
愛有多銷魂 就有多傷人
你若勇敢愛了 就要勇敢分

夜已深 還有什麼人
你若不肯說 我就不問

Scars (Sandy Lam)
The night is deep already; who is it that has
Let you awake like this to count the scars?
Why do you want to leave a light on just before you go to sleep?
If you're not willing to say, then I won't ask

Only now, you have no choice but to admit
Love is sometimes a kind of degradation
Disappointing people, although that is love itself
But don't do that just because you are a woman!

If you love deeply, then it won't be able to balance
For the trouble of sentiment, you've harassed your soul
Love the ones you should love, hate the ones you should hate
You should leave some love for yourself

A woman's only innocence and talent of gentleness
Should be saved for the one who truly loves you
It doesn't matter how bitter or difficult the future is
You'll have him by your side the whole time

Although love is a kind of duty, in giving it, give it completely
Sometimes love's beauty has no way of lasting forever
Love can enrapture you just as much as it can hurt you
If you've bravely loved, then you should bravely leave

The night is deep already; who is it that has
Let you awake like this to count the scars?
Why do you want to leave a light on just before you go to sleep?
If you're not willing to say, then I won't ask

Shang Hen (Lin Yi Lian)
Ye yi shen Hai you she me ren
Rang ni zhe yang xing zhe shu shang hen
Wei he lin shui qian hui xiang yao liu yi zhan deng
Ni ruo bu ken shuo Wo jiu bu wen

Zhi shi ni xian zai bu de bu cheng ren
Ai qing you shi hou shi yi zhong chen lun
Rang ren shi wang de sui ran shi lian qing ben shen
Dan shi bu yao zhi shi yin wei ni shi nü ren

Ruo ai de shen hui bu neng ping heng
Wei qing kun Mo zhe le ling hun
Gai ai jiu ai Gai hen de jiu hen
Yao wei zi ji bao liu ji fen

Nü ren du you de tian zhen he wen rou de tian fen
Yao liu gei zhen ai ni de ren
Bu guan wei lai duo ku duo nan
You ta pei ni wan cheng

Sui ran ai shi zhong ze ren Gei yao gei de wan zheng
You shi ai Mei zai wu fa yong heng
Ai you duo xiao hun Jiu you duo shang ren
Ni ruo yong gan ai le Jiu yao yong gan fen

Ye yi shen Hai you she me ren
Rang ni zhe yang xing zhe shu shang hen
Wei he lin shui qian hui xiang yao liu yi zhan deng
Ni ruo bu ken shuo Wo jiu bu wen

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Announcements: Death Of Yuki.

I am in Thailand now, a few days shy of my SRS. This is my 100th post ironically. And this may be my last. My husband had sent an e-mail requesting my operation to be cancelled. I do not know how to feel now. Should I laugh? Should I cry? I really feel like jumping in front of my bus here and just end it at the worse. Or I may just work here as a cheap showgirl, or return back to Malaysia and cut my hair. In any other case, my life would never be the same again. Never ever.

I just say I hope he can spare me something for my lawyer fees but a simple solution like asking me to move to a cheaper area is beyond him. Instead he feels ending my life is the best one. I have my plans. I got a job waiting for me end of September. I have made arrangements to settle my financial crisis. But all these is to no avail. Now I have to go back and say I cannot work. I probably would lose my car and room. And worse, I had lost my husband at once. And I lost me.

I do not think I can bring myself to face me in the mirror anymore. So I bid all of you, farewell. To everyone, thank you for sharing my journey all alond. Take care LGBTs, wherever you are.

Update 26/6/08:

The verdict for the SRS is a postponement. As after the grace I extended to my husband is met with a heart of stone, so is our marriage. He has hurt me by throwing every excuse and reason to end our relationship. Baseless accusations of abuse, cheating, and innability to 'afford' me has placed our relationship on the grave. Even if he changes his mind today and I proceed with the SRS, I must admit that my heart is left with no more love to give him for hurting me this way.

All my plans to give my husband the ultimate bitch on Christmas eve period seems like a foolish girl's child's play now. Perhaps it is the immaturity of my imagination of wanting to fabricate such illusion that my husband would appreciate it. And with my SRS postponed, I must go back to the nightmare of starting back where I started before when I came out for good early 2006.

My fairy tale ending is gone. My prince charming will never rescue me and this transsexual female will never be secure and safe in female flesh. It is time to chart my own course of life.

I am also going to be selfish for once in my life, and dedicate a song for myself. Take care, Yuki.
It's The Lover (Not The Love) - Tiffany

He broke your heart and said goodbye
After promising forever
You wonder why you even tried
he was such a good pretender
The love you gave was all in vain
and nothing anyone can say
could ever make you love that way again
It's the lover not the love
who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
that didn't work out right

if you listen to your heart
ooh you'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
who deserted you

Don't stop reaching for the stars
Let tomorrow live inside you
And just remember who you are
Keep the faith and love will find you
A heart in love can lose it's true
but don't give up in time to find
the one who's right will come to you
It's the lover not the love
who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
that didn't work out right
if you listen to your heart
ooh you'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
who deserted you

It does no good to second guess
whether love is wrong or right
If it was really meant to be
he'd be with you tonight, tonight, oh yeah
It's the lover not the love
who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
that didn't work out right
if you listen to your heart
ooh you'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
who deserted you

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Breaking News: More Evidence On Biological Causes Of Homosexuality Found.

As all the ex-gay ministries parade their scientifically discredited causation theories on homosexuality, more scientific evidence on the innateness of homosexuality have been discovered. So with more truth on homosexuality coming out, perhaps it is high time ex-gay ministries admit the obvious before more people realise about the ex-gay myth: It is all lies.

Source: NewScientist
Brain scans have provided the most compelling evidence yet that being gay or straight is a biologically fixed trait. (emphasis added)

The scans reveal that in gay people, key structures of the brain governing emotion, mood, anxiety and aggressiveness resemble those in straight people of the opposite sex.

The differences are likely to have been forged in the womb or in early infancy, says Ivanka Savic, who conducted the study at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden.

"This is the most robust measure so far of cerebral differences between homosexual and heterosexual subjects," she says.

Previous studies have also shown differences in brain architecture and activity between gay and straight people, but most relied on people's responses to sexuality driven cues that could have been learned, such as rating the attractiveness of male or female faces.

Brain symmetry
To get round this, Savic and her colleague, Per Lindström, chose to measure brain parameters likely to have been fixed at birth.

"That was the whole point of the study, to show parameters that differ, but which couldn't be altered by learning or cognitive processes," says Savic.

First they used MRI scans to find out the overall volume and shapes of brains in a group of 90 volunteers consisting of 25 heterosexuals and 20 homosexuals of each gender.

The results showed that straight men had asymmetric brains, with the right
hemisphere slightly larger – and the gay women also had this asymmetry. Gay men,
meanwhile, had symmetrical brains like those of straight women.

The team next used PET scans to measure blood flow to the amygdala, part of the brain that governs fear and aggression. The images revealed how the amygdala connected to other parts of the brain, giving clues to how this might influence behaviour.

Depression link
They found that the patterns of connectivity in gay men matched those of straight women, and vice versa (see image, above right). In straight women and gay men, the connections were mainly into regions of the brain that manifest fear as intense anxiety.

"The regions involved in phobia, anxiety and depression overlap with the pattern we see from the amygdala," says Savic.

This is significant, she says, and fits with data showing that women are three times as likely as men to suffer from mood disorders or depression. Gay men have higher rates of depression too, she says, but it's difficult to know whether this is down to biology, homophobia or simply feelings of being "different".

In straight men and lesbians, the amygdala fed its signals mainly into the sensorimotor cortex and the striatum, regions of the brain that trigger the "fight or flight" response. "It's a more action-related response than in women," says Savic.

'Striking differences'
"This study demonstrates that homosexuals of both sexes show strong cross-sex shifts in brain symmetry," says Qazi Rahman, a leading researcher on sexual orientation at Queen Mary college, University of London, UK.

"The connectivity differences reported in the amygdala are striking."

"Paradoxically, it's more informative to look at things that have no direct connection with sexual orientation, and that's where this study scores," says Simon LeVay, a prominent US author who in 1991 reported finding differences (pdf) in a part of the brain called the hypothalamus between straight and gay men.

But as Savic herself acknowledges, the study can't say whether the brain differences are inherited, or result from abnormally high or low exposure in the womb to sex hormones such as testosterone.

Journal reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (DOI:
Yuki's Thoughts:
I guess even when the dusk is settled, with more and more truths about homosexuality coming up, we would still hear more wacky ideas from ex-gays. But instead of simply admitting the ridiculous theories of distant fathers and overbearing mothers (and crossdressed by mother ala Edmund Smith); we would instead face up to more imposement of personal evaluation of values upon us, as stupid as their 'traditional values' sound. They would probably ask questions such as - can this be prevented during pregnancy? Ignorance AND Intolerance is bliss.

Yuki's Choice Reading:

Coverage and comments on this groundbreaking story also available on:
America's Box Turtle Bulletin and Asia's Fridae

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Singapore Censors Healthy Same-Sex Depictions In Media.

Singapore, known for its glamorous first world city lifestyle displays third world mentality in the guise of the Media Development Authority (MDA), the country's primary moral guardian over presentation of arts and media in the republic. Earlier this decade, depictions of LGBT as a natural progression of society were banned or censored by the MDA from any arts and media broadcast within its jurisdiction.

Taiwan's highest grossing movie of 2004 “Formula 17”, a gay themed romantic comedy was banned from Singapore screenings for its potrayal of a “homosexual utopia, where everyone, including passersby, is homosexual and no ills or problems are reflected”. This starts a sad premise where true positive lives of LGBTs in the world today are considered unfit to be discussed and should be removed from existence.

The mantra supposedly changed in 2006 when the MDA chose to relax on its censorship in order to market itself as a arts and media centre for the region. This move allows top LGBT movies being shown uncut such as "Brokeback Mountain" and "Transamerica" in 2006. As recent as last year however, the MDA decided to grow a branch a year back in time.

A two-week exhibition of 80 same-sex kissing photos was cancelled after the MDA rejected the license on the grounds of “promoting the homosexual lifestyle” late last year. Early this year, part of the Oscar award acceptance speech by director Cynthia Wade for her documentary "Freeheld" was censored on its repeated broadcast because of its mention of equal rights for same-sex attracted individuals. Then the high profile LGBT documentary “A Jihad For Love” was also banned from public viewing.

From strictness, MDA then shows its absurdity, when they recently fined StarHub Cable Vision $10,000 Singaporean dollars for airing a commercial presenting a new song by artiste Olivia Yan called “Silly Child” which depicts two lesbians innocently kissing. The statement by the MDA reads:


The commercial which was to promote a song by the singer, 阎韦伶(Olivia), was aired on MTV Mandarin Channel on 26 and 28 November 2007. Within the commercial, romanticised scenes of two girls kissing were shown and it portrayed the relationship as acceptable. This is in breach of the TV advertising guidelines, which disallows advertisements that condone homosexuality.

MDA also consulted the Advisory Committee for Chinese Programmes and the Committee concurred that the commercial had promoted lesbianism as acceptable and romantic, especially when shown together with the lyrics featured.

In that same month, MDA fined MediaCorp TV Channel 5 $15,000 Singapore dollars for airing a home improvement show called "Find and Design" that featured a gay couple who wants to renovate their game room into a nursery for their baby. The MDA statement here reads:


The programme "Find and Design" is a home and decor series and in the episode concerned, the host helps a gay couple to transform their game room into a new nursery for their adopted baby. The episode contained several scenes of the gay couple with their baby as well as the presenter's congratulations and acknowledgement of them as a family unit in a way which normalises their gay lifestyle and unconventional family setup. This is in breach of the Free-to-Air TV Programme Code which disallows programmes that promote, justify or glamourise gay lifestyles.

MDA also consulted the Programme Advisory Committee for English Programmes (PACE) and the Committee was also of the view that a gay relationship should not be presented as an acceptable family unit. As the programme was shown on a Sunday morning, PACE felt that this was inappropriate as such a timeslot was within family viewing hours.

This two cases shows a blatant lack of knowledge and understanding of the homosexual condition as a sexual orientation by a shallow media guardian. It is deeply regretful for the LGBT community in Singapore who is still trying to find an illusive dignified social position in the republic, to be swept under the carpet by governmental agencies such as the MDA. Media is supposed to represent truth, and recent events portray the MDA as unable to accept and realise the unsurmountable truth: that homosexuals are normal human beings and exist in equivalence to any heterosexual conditions.

The Singapore MDA sent a loud and clear message to the world; any representation of homosexuals as sensitive individuals capable of love or as a capable well-adjusted family unit is not to be tolerated. Ignorance to the existence of gays and lesbians as ordinary human beings is to be educated. And self-praising in the form of a rap video is the way to go while the artistry and talent of LGBT is to be shipped to Australia. Interesting step backward indeed, for an agency bent on proving their nation's worth as a international media hub.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Musing.

Recently I am struggling to maintain my blogs recently. There actually has been a lot of stuff to write about, but just could not find the time to write it as my commitments as writer to Ex-Gay Watch and getting myself in shape for my Sex-Reassignment Surgery. And hanging around in a cyber cafe is quite costly. Quashing some Malaysian Ex-Gay myths had been exceptionally easy especially when most of the views are too dogmatic and ridiculous to swallow by any mature thinking people. And being a lone interested writer in this issue also had its drawbacks, you get bored repeating yourself.

There is also the difficulty of interest. When the International Day Against Homophobia was announced, everywhere else in the world except Asia remembers the dead, respects the day, ponders over any chances of hate crime laws being created and passed, passionate about educating the general public about the ill-conceptions of society in regards to homosexuality and transgenderism and so forth. The PT Foundation is holding a fund-raising party this weekend for it.

Yes, PARTY. Everyone in Asia do not want to hear about the bullying, the murders, the dead. It is like the HIV/AIDS issue. The thinking here is, it is none of my business or it could never happen to me. No one here is fighting for any rights. In fact, as a single personal blog owner I was able to reach out to an audience Edmund Smith (RLM) and his sister would envy, and it is just because people are curious about me as a transsexual and interested with the scientific truths and facts I presented. Otherwise, most of this country, whether straight or gay, could not be bothered about us.

Whether on this side as a professional writer and TS advocate, or on that side an amateur unlicensed therapist and an aspiring singer; we both have an audience. And fortunately for me, my audience are intelligent enough to see through the lies and ultra-nonsensical musings of places like RLM to the point they tell me: WE KNOW! Anything new you want to share with us, like maybe Edmund is spotted cruising in a gay bar or something, then tell us! But alas, the international audience are still curious to know about the RLM's wacky world. As such, I no longer write about them in this blog.

From maintaining a blog to advocacy work to dispelling ex-gay myth, there is plenty to write about as all can see. But sometimes you just need the time. I am still having some ideas for the latest movie review on “Iron Man”, but unfortunately the movie is still on screen. As you all know from my last movie review, spoilers are really proudly on display! Then there is the edition of Yuki's Funnies. There is the Top 10 Ex-Gay Excuses On Why A Person Is Gay, which of course includes Melvin Wong's boy got sexually abused and Edmund Smith's boy got cross dressed by mother.

If only I have the time to write all these great stuff. But my SRS being just one month and a bit more away, I really do not know how. I am also struggling to finish my personal Thai lessons at home and I am not in a decent weight yet. Perhaps I should ask for some tips from my sister Grog from “The Cracked Crystal Ball II” who seems to be blogging everyday! And all her posts are so strong in content and opinions I really wonder how she did it. Another is Cracker Lilo from “Cracker Lilo's Front Porch”. She is so deep into words, and there is so much variety and content.

Perhaps the greatest one of them all I consider would be Peterson Toscano's blog “Peterson Toscano's A Musing". Please remember this fine handsome gentleman with the ability to make you laugh especially on your ex-gay struggles; travels a lot (sometimes overseas) for shows and interviews and seminars, and I believe his appointment calender is probably full. But he still finds the time to blog at least almost everyday. Unbelievable. And while I have to slowly maintain my English to respectable degree, Peterson seems to already have gift in writing as well as in speaking.

Oh, before I forget, do read his latest post “Diverse Approaches Reveal Complexity of Ex-Gay World”. It is one of my favourites, exploring just how big a fallacy ex-gay ministries are when you really take a closer look. And yes, I do still manage to find some time to read blogs. As well as you can see now I am squeezing some time to announce to you all that: Hey, I am still alive. God bless everyone. Anyway, I have to go for my dinner now. Got some things to do tomorrow morning, then in the evening I have a seminar to catch. Yep, busy lady I am. But of course, I will be back. : )